The Pig & The Horse‏

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: - Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said: - Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said: - Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: - Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the pig approached the horse and said: - Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: - It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party.
Let's kill the pig!
Points for reflection: this often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, or who's actually contributing the necessary support to make things happen.

(received in a email)

Principles of Life

Another good email from Aruangabad CA yohoo group

 

• IndianCAs: 6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE‏

02-06-2011

 

Ashwin Nagar Add to contacts

To indiancas

From:
indiancas@yahoogroups.com on behalf of Ashwin Nagar (ashwin.nagar@gmail.com)

Sent:
02 June 2011 17:08PM

To:
indiancas (indiancas@yahoogroups.com)

Attachments, pictures and links in this message have been blocked for your safety.

Show content | Always show content from ashwin.nagar@gmail.com

6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE

1· No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.

2· No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.

3· Money is not yours until you spend it.

4· When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it is too late.

5· How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs.

6· No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We  come into this world with nothing,and we leave this world with nothing!

Here is the proof that you don't have to have money to be happy.

Practical guide to getting work done without paying bribe‏

One more interesting mails received form Aurangabad CA yahoo group

 

• [aurangabad_ca] Practical guide to getting work done without paying bribe‏

08-06-2011

 

anmol rana Add to contacts

To ICAI Meerut, Thane CA Group, aurangabad ca

From:
aurangabad_ca@yahoogroups.com on behalf of anmol rana (anmolrana11@yahoo.co.in)

Sent:
08 June 2011 18:09PM

To:
ICAI Meerut (icai_circ_meerut_ca@yahoogroups.com); Thane CA Group (ThaneCAs@yahoogroups.com); aurangabad ca (aurangabad_ca@yahoogroups.com)

Practical guide to getting work done without paying bribe

Corrupt officials use various tactics to extract bribes.

You may take the following action to counter those tactics.

(1) Indefinite Delay: They delay your work until you offer a bribe. Solution: Don't visit government offices. Follow up your pending work through letters. You may send letters by courier, registered post or speed post. [Local speed post costs only Rs 12/-. Local couriers are available at Rs 5/-]. You may also use RTI Act to know status of your work. In which case you need to spend another Rs 10/-.

.

(2) Demanding unnecessary papers: Sometimes they demand unnecessary documentation, and hint that work can be done without those very papers if you pay a bribe. Solution: If they can offer to do your work without additional papers [with bribe], it means that those papers were definitely unnecessary. (i) Ask officials to demand those papers in writing, and record the conversation. (ii) Write a letter stating that you demanded these papers. Are they really mandatory as per law? You can also use the RTI Act here. (iii) Use the RTI Act to find out whether s/he demanded those papers from other applicants. (iv) Whatever paper s/he demands, send it by post. Never deliver anything without receipt. [Remember no officer will complete your work without the mandatory papers].

.

(3) They advise you to pay bribe so that you pay less tax / penalties. Many times they demand higher amount for penalties than prescribed under laws. Solution: (1) Check laws if you can (2) Record the conversation and tell them that you are going to report it to the Anti-Corruption Bureau. (3) Use the RTI Act to find out how much was paid by others under similar circumstances.

.

(4) When the official is not available in his/her office. Solution: Write a letter that you visited his/her office on say, 1st August at 11 AM but s/he wasn't available. His/her assistant Mr. Rama Rao said to come again on 5th August. This letter will make him/her take special care of your work.

.

(5) If nothing works, try this: When you don't have any option, record the conversation, pay money and get your work done. After your work is completed, meet that official and demand your money back. Tell him/her that you are going to complain, if s/he does not return your money. Tell him/her about Jago Party. Take a Jago pamphlet or advertisement copy with you. This will most likely make him/her return your money.

.

(6) Develop the habit of complaining. Whenever you see crime and corruption, send written complaints to head of that department, ACB / CBI, local newspapers and the Jago Party.

.

(7) Don't be submissive. Call officials by their names. Don't call them `Sir' or `Madam'. Be polite but don't show unnecessary respect. Be firm and confident. Talk about the RTI Act and the Jago Party. Corrupt officials are generally afraid of knowledgeable people.

Thanks & Regards
Neetu Arora

Company Secretary

Regards,

CA. Anmol Rana
Anmol Rana & Associates
Chartered Accountants
Zenith House, Ground Floor,
56 - Gautam Nagar,
New Delhi - 110049
09899810268 (Mob.)
01141658150 (Phone/Fax)
caanmolrana@gmail

why lokpal

I received this mail from Aurangabad CA Yahoo Group send by

CA S.B. Assawa

 

• [aurangabad_ca] Why Lokpal‏

27-06-2011

Reply ▼

CA S.B. Assawa Add to contacts

To ThaneCAs@yahoogroups.com, aurangabad_ca@yahoogroups.com

We as responsible citizen of country should bring awareness about Jan Lokpal proposed by civil society. if required let we call expert to comment on / give lectures at various study circle.

No politician or senior officer ever goes to jail despite huge evidence because Anti Corruption Branch (ACB) and CBI directly come under the government. Before starting investigation or initiating prosecution in any case, they have to take permission from the same bosses, against whom the case has to be investigated.

Lokpal at centre and Lokayukta at state level will be independent bodies. ACB and CBI will be merged into these bodies. They will have power to initiate investigations and prosecution against any officer or politician without needing anyoneⳠpermission. Investigation should be completed within 1 year and trial to get over in next 1 year. Within two years, the corrupt should go to jail.

No corrupt officer is dismissed from the job because Central Vigilance Commission, which is supposed to dismiss corrupt officers, is only an advisory body. Whenever it advises government to dismiss any senior corrupt officer, its advice is never implemented.

Lokpal and Lokayukta will have complete powers to order dismissal of a corrupt officer. CVC and all departmental vigilance will be merged into Lokpal and state vigilance will be merged into Lokayukta.

No action is taken against corrupt judges because permission is required from the Chief Justice of India to even register an FIR against corrupt judges.

Lokpal & Lokayukta shall have powers to investigate and prosecute any judge without needing anyoneⳠpermission.

Nowhere to go - People expose corruption but no action is taken on their complaints.

Lokpal & Lokayukta will have to enquire into and hear every complaint.

There is so much corruption within CBI and vigilance departments. Their functioning is so secret that it encourages corruption within these agencies.

All investigations in Lokpal & Lokayukta shall be transparent. After completion of investigation, all case records shall be open to public. Complaint against any staff of Lokpal & Lokayukta shall be enquired and punishment announced within two months.

Weak and corrupt people are appointed as heads of anti-corruption agencies.

Politicians will have absolutely no say in selections of Chairperson and members of Lokpal & Lokayukta. Selections will take place through a transparent and public participatory process.

Citizens face harassment in government offices. Sometimes they are forced to pay bribes. One can only complaint to senior officers. No action is taken on complaints because senior officers also get their cut.

Lokpal & Lokayukta will get public grievances resolved in time bound manner, impose a penalty of Rs 250 per day of delay to be deducted from the salary of guilty officer and award that amount as compensation to the aggrieved citizen.

Nothing in law to recover ill gotten wealth. A corrupt person can come out of jail and enjoy that money.

Loss caused to the government due to corruption will be recovered from all accused.

Small punishment for corruption- Punishment for corruption is minimum 6 months and maximum 7 years.

Enhanced punishment - The punishment would be minimum 5 years and maximum of life imprisonment.

--
with regards
S.B. Assawa - 9820403876
Partner / Director
B.Maheshwari & Co.
Intime Debt and Equity Arranger (I.D.E.A.)
Euro Corporate Services Pvt. Ltd.
Ph: 022-28218282, Fax: 28216262
assawa.ca@gmail.com

Miracles in life

This is email I received on aurangabad_ca yahoo group send by on group member Rakesh Sharma radheykrishna1@yahoo.in

---

Man O Man

When without money,

eats wild vegetables at home
When has money,

eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

---

When without money,

rides bicycle;
When has money,

rides exercise machine.

---

When without money,

walks to earn food
When has money,

walks to lose the fat

---

Man O Man ! 

never fails to deceive thyself !

---

When without money,

wishes to get married;
When has money,

wishes to get divorced.

---

When without money,

wife becomes secretary;
When has money,

secretary becomes wife.

---

When without money, acts like rich man;
When has money, acts like poor man.

---

Man, O Man, never can tell the simple truth !

---

Says share market is bad

but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil

but keeps accumulating.
Says high positions are lonely

but keeps wanting them.
Says gambling & drinking is bad

but keeps indulging;

Man O Man !

Never means what he says

and

never says what he means!

THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN LIFE.

LIFE ITSELF IS A MIRACLE!

Hahahaaaaa!!!!

 

This email was send to me by my friend Mr. Asif Ali Siddique, of A.A. SIDDIQUIE & ASSOCIATES Advocates High court,Bombay.

Asif Ali Siddique is a senior advocate at Practicing at Bombay High Court. He specializes in Property Matter Cases. 

Freddie, a farmer, ordered an expensive milking machine.
He then decided to test it on himself first, so he insert his manhood into the equipment and turned on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. 'Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''
"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!".....

Quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu :

 

this email was end to me by my friend Mr. Prakaash Bodwaani

Quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu :

1.That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

2.There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

3.Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

4.This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

5.Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

6.Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

8.He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

9.The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

10.Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a bar!

15.The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!

16.Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.

17.Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

19.He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

20.This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie ichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

22.You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

23.The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.

24.Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.

Lessons in Management

This email was send to me by my friend Mr. Prakash Bodwani. Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.   Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.   The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"   "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.   The nun said, "Father,remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.   The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.   Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

SARDARJI Is Back

 

These jokes were emailed to me by me friend Dr. Samir B. Sonawala.

Dr Samir Sonawala is a Consulting Homeopath practising at Andheri, Mumbai.

SARDARJI  Is Back  -------and how?  Sardar: I haven't slept all night in the train. Friend: Why? Sardar: Got upper berth. Friend: Why didn't u exchange? Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth. A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form he had gone to Delhi for filling it up. You know why? Form said:'Fill Up In Capital.'. Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth. Why? Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light !' One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking. Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor. At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter! At 25th floor he remembers I'm unmarried! At 10th floor he remembers I'm Banta not Santa! On a romantic date sardars girl friend asks him: 'Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?' He said: 'Sure ! What's your phone number?' Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever. What will come first, chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first. A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!' What does a sardar do after taking a Xerox? He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes. Why can't sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency? They cannot find the eleven on the phone. Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop. Sardar: Drink quickly. Wife: Why? Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10 Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!  Sardar news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more. Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says 'Chin Yu Yan' and dies. Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words. It is 'You are standing on the oxygen tube!' Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. Wife: What you are doing? Sardar: I am seeing how I look while sleeping